Welcome to our country, as long as you’re French.

I have to say that the people whom we encountered in Northern France were very curt with us, despite our best efforts to communicate in their language. As opposed to say Filipinos, Spanish or Italians who are, in general, delighted with the most basic attempts to express oneself in their respective languages. So what’s the problem in France? Why does one get the impression that ‘La Belle Pays’ only comes back to life after you reach the exit. “Yes, count yourself lucky that I was able to understand your incomprehensibly garbled rendition of the national language and fortunate that we consented to allow you to enter the country – now run along.”

As far as I’m aware English has become a fairly major language in the world at large. It originates from the quaint, wet little island to the north of France, but still a neighbouring country. So buying a Sat –Nav in France, one might expect to find some English translation, as the packaging boasted instructions in four languages – yes that would be – Italian, Spanish, Portuguese and French.

During the eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries, French became the official diplomatic language of Western Europe, just as Ancient Greek was spoken around the Mediterranean, by the Romans. But the world has turned and French is now spoken only in a select few countries beyond the borders of France. English on the other hand is widely spoken throughout the world. Let’s face it - the French must be disappointed that their language is no longer considered important.

Perhaps the snide indifference and feigned ignorance of other languages is their collective response to the shrinking significance of the French language? Perhaps it’s a kind of 'little man syndrome' (you know, the one who’s irascible and aggressive towards others, throwing his weight around while looking for the encouragement of his fellows). To this visitor, it manifested as coldness and indifference and a conquest to insist that unadulterated French be spoken, even at the expense of their international tourist industry. To give a few examples:

·        Although English is taught in the French public school system, to refuse to speak in (zat filthy pig-latin) English.

·        At times when tourists try to communicate in French, to feign non-comprehension (Heather famously trying to order bread in a boulangerie (bread shop) in Paris to shrugs and an unwillingness to serve her).

·        Giving French-only instructions in aires, campsites and public places frequented by international tourists.

·        Shops using tills, which neither display the price for the customer to read, nor offer a receipt.

·        French internet sites which fail to offer the information in any international languages.

One remembers the French indifference to the protests of Pacific Nations and the international community to their repeated testing of nuclear weapons at Mururoa Atol.  The French had a national obsession with maintaining a nuclear arsenal whilst finding it acceptable to test their weapons in the Pacific Ocean.

One also remembers the subsequent actions of the French secret service in scuttling the flagship of the Greenpeace movement – ‘The Rainbow Warrior’ in Auckland Harbour – murdering  a member of the crew.  The lurid details of their attempts to evade detection became known to the world when they were arrested, tried and found guilty of murder. This was no ‘Victory at Entebbe’, rather a second-rate shambles in which the observations of everyday New Zealanders led to their early detection and capture.

So how can we register our latest protest to the French nation? Here are some practical suggestions for Australian tourists to follow:

·        When speaking French, use a very broad Aussie/Ocker accent with a very cheerful smile.

·        As neither toilet paper, nor soap is ever provided in the (filthy) toilet facilities – always enquire of any food purveyors or restaurant staff if they have washed their hands with soap since their last toilet visit - before ordering (ask to sniff their hands if unsure).

·        Always do the reverse of the instructions provided in French language-only sites with a cheerful and innocent disposition. For example, use plenty of newspaper after doing number twos, being sure to shake hands with any startled Frenchman as you exit.

·        When paying, always deposit a large quantity of small mixed notes and coins, which is at least two Euros short (ten Euros for larger orders), before smiling and swiftly exiting the shop.

·        Leave messages on all French-only internet sites making reference to the hopeless French secret service and their pathetic efforts to be recognized as a European nuclear super-power.

·        Don’t visit France in the first place. Go somewhere friendly – there are plenty of other places in Europe to choose from.

 Having exited France, can I say how friendly and welcoming the Spanish people are….

Aw reevwah mon-sewers ette maid-mowselles!

Paull